So Much in So Little Time

I don’t know if there’s ever been such a short span of time in my life where I’ve felt so many different…I guess “emotions” is the only word I can really think if right now, even though I feel as though it’s not the best word. Since the end of summer I’ve experienced intense joy, happiness, passion. As autumn has settled in, I’ve experienced sadness, disappointment, apathy. As we get closer to the winter, I can feel any one of those “emotions” any given day, or even any given hour. I generally know what things are causing me to feel the different things I do (my job, my “relationship”, my family, my life here in Seattle). I feel that as long as I stay here, physically and metaphorically, my life is just going to be stagnant. I’m looking to put myself into different surroundings so I can do some “soul searching” and try to grow more as a person. It’s kinda crazy to think how emotionally volatile my life seems to be when I consider how stagnant I feel my life is becoming. BUT, I know what I want to do to fix that. As Dugg told me, it’s just a matter of planning it out more fully, then executing.

Random Thoughts, Vol. 2

Human beings are such interesting creatures.  It’s amazing to me the way the human mind works, particularly relating to emotions, the ease or unease with which a  person can communicate them, and the factors that affect emotions. It gets even more interesting when I think about how one thing can change the way a person feels, and when that change in feeling gets relayed to another person, it creates an emotional response as well.

That’s kind of what I’m going through right now. I guess it’s better to establish that we’re not going to work out sooner rather than later, but it sucks. It just boggles my mind that in just one week’s time, things changed completely. I guess the typical emotional response, or at least the one I would have had if this happened years ago, would be anger then sadness. Right now, it’s just sadness. But I look for it to change to happiness. She wants to move back to Houston because she feels at home there. Who am I to try and stop her? All I want is for her to be happy. And if leaving me is part of that equation, then I’ll have to deal with it.

This whole situation got me to thinking about humans and their emotional attachments to other humans. When you think about it, it really serves no purpose. At the most basic level all we really need to do is survive and reproduce. But if that was all we did, the life of a human being would be completely unfulfilling. So we as humans develop relationships with others, namely friendships and romantic relationships to make our lives full. And it works. It makes life awesome. But the not awesome part is when those relationships end. That shit sucks. But we as humans can rely on the other people  we still have relationships with to help us cope. This is what make humans special. The ability to feel emotions such as sadness, and have the ability to come back, whether it be alone or with the help of friends, and feel happiness. Whether or not these thoughts make sense, I don’t know. It’s just random.

Valentine’s Day

So it’s Valentine’s Day today, the Hallmark holiday everybody loves to hate. Valentine’s day can be a day where lovers do something special for their other half as a token of affection. But there are those of us out their to whom this holiday serves as a sore reminder that we don’t have someone “special” to celebrate with. One on hand, that’s at LEAST $50 saved. But on the other hand, it reminds me of how lonely the single life can be. But another thing that Valentine’s Day can be is a holiday where you express your love for someone that isn’t necessarily your lover. You can send your love to a good friend, a sibling, a parent whoever. I remember how last year I got my mom a V-Day card and she was so touched that I remembered her on a day that seems to be reserved for couples only. So to all my friends that are happily coupled up, I hope you have a fun and special holiday. But to all the friends and fam out there holdin it down solo this V-Day, I send you my love too. Happy Valentine’s Day y’all.

With that, I’ll leave y’all with a Slow Jam mix I been bumpin since grade school. Enjoy

DJ Opus – Slow Jam Mix v.1

Random Thoughts, Vol. 1

You know what I don’t get? Why people think being single is tight. I fuckin hate that shit. Yeah, you’re free to do whatever you want, or whoever you want. But for me, whoever I wanna do hardly ever wants to do me too. That bullshit is bullshit too. That’s why I think being single is weak as fugg. I’m so ready to date again, but I guess I just gotta make that happen for myself.

Case of the Ex

Man, I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Since Thanksgiving, I’ve been thinking about the ex a lot. Like…Hella. I guess it’s probably because it’s the holidays after the breakup. I really hate it. I been trying to distract myself but it’s real hard. During the summer, I thought I was aight. Then at the end of summer, I spoke with her for the first time since May. It was actually a decent, enjoyable conversation. At that point we squashed any beef we had with each other, which is good. The whole point of me starting this blog was for me to write down and remind myself the changes I’ve made/need to make. I feel this was another step towards that. But on the other hand, it sort of threw me back like 10 steps in the “getting over the ex” process. Me not hating her anymore made it easier to remember how happy she used to make me at one point in time. It made me miss her. It’s shitty. And it kind of hinders me from wanting to get out there and meet women/date women. Maybe putting this “down on (digital) paper” will sort of help clear my mind a bit. I know I’ve got great family and friends to have my back and cheer me up this holiday season. Hopefully things will get better for me mentally after the new year. Lord knows that this year was shitty on so many levels. I just gotta go into next year with a positive attitude and hopefully things will get better.

Unbelievable

My Uncle Albert passed away last Wednesday. That’s the third person to die in my family this year. And just a few weeks after the passing of my Lolo. I’m in utter disbelief. I’m so distracted right now. This year has been so tough for my family. They say everything happens for a reason and that God has His plans for us. I guess we just have to wait and see what that is.

Gone Too Soon

Wow.  I can’t explain how shocked I am. I barely knew Chris except for talking to him at school and day care and stuff. But I can’t help but feel so bad and terribly sad upon hearing about his passing. Especially the way he died: in a car accident. When I heard he died from a car accident, it immediately brought my mind back to my own car accident. I kind of feel guilty. Why did I come out almost totally unscathed but Chris lost his life? What did I do to deserve a second chance here on this earth? I have to be thankful everyday I’m alive because it can all be taken away so quickly. He was only 20 years old man. So damn young. It’s not fair.

I didn’t know you too well, Chris, but I knew you were a good guy. I hope you rest peacefully. My condolences go out to the Bowne family.

RIP Chris Bowne.

Perspective

So this is the first post I’ve had in quite a while. Since the last post, a ton of stuff has happened in my life. I was unable to work because the school dicked me. I didn’t pass the NCLEX. Then right after that, my Lolo died. And just a day or so after, one of my uncles had a brain hemorrhage. Quite the year 2009 is, isn’t it? As the saying goes, when it rains, it pours.

So when my Lolo died, I went back to the PI for about 3 weeks. The funeral was sad, but I was mostly happy that my gramps was at rest because by the end of his life he was talking about how tired he was. And aside from the funeral, it was a really good time. I saw my family who I hadn’t seen in a couple years as well as some good friends. I’m not as attached to the Philippines these days as I was when I was in high school. I really missed being here in Seattle. But when I came back, I realized that the Philippines always gives me something that I lose staying here in the states: Perspective.

Being home, as in the Philippines, really recharged my batteries. It calmed me down. When I started writing down my thoughts on this blog, I talked about starting over. But for a while, I was still holding onto the things that made me angry and the things that made me a person I didn’t want to be. But when I lost my Lolo, it sort of made me realize that there are things way more important than being angry. I was able to see that when I went back home. I saw my family come together at such a sad time, despite their differences. I had some friends talk some sense into me. It was overall a really good and therapeutic getaway despite the circumstances.

So today, I find myself not as angry as I was before. And it’s because I’ve been able to gain a new perspective. I can’t always run off to the PI when times are tough, so I’ve got to find other ways to get some new perspective when time calls for it. But I’m glad that as for now I’ve gotten some.

Thinking

So I been thinking lately. There was a lot of drama that went down two weekends ago. It was pretty ridiculous. But despite all the drama, I was able to let out everything that was on my mind. Some people’s feelings may have been hurt, and some people may have gotten pissed off. But if I hurt your feelings or pissed you off, just think of the reason why you feel that way. Is it because I said some real shit? If you don’t think so, come see me. Call me on it. I’m down to clear shit up. Granted, things may not be the same as they were before, but at least there won’t be beef. Also, you can’t fault me for being kinda harsh because I was hurt by you too.

But another thing I was thinking about was how dope it would be to get away from here. Go to a place where the drama won’t follow me. Being in New York this past weekend made me seriously think about the possibility of leaving Seattle. If it ever were to happen, it wouldn’t be for a while. And it wouldn’t really be easy. I love the house I grew up in. I love the city itself. Seattle is definitely my home. But I think I need some peace of mind. Maybe after things settle down a bit here the longing of moving away will die down. But it’s really dominating my thoughts right now.

Ugly

I was just thinking about how some people are beautiful on the outside but so ugly on the inside. And how it’s only right that they end up with people who are just fuckin’ ugly.